Being in a relationship should not be taken lightly.
Sometimes we start dating someone and think that person is exactly what we were looking for. Maybe they’ve got the perfect smile or the most amazing eyes, maybe they make us feel a kind of way, they light up your day. Maybe just hearing their voice give you butterflies in your stomach. And then we think yes, I’m in love with this person. All you want to do is to be in a relationship with them now, I mean that’s the next logical thing to do, right? Well, that’s where the issue can start.
A relationship doesn’t always work just because you’ve got feelings for each other, a lot needs to be done on both sides before being a good partner in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes the person we fall in love with has been broken by the previous relationship or/and has trauma, unsolved issues caused by life and different circumstances.
No one is perfect and everyone we meet are going to have been through something in their lives. The problem is when people don’t actually try taking time to heal from those problems or at least try working towards it first, before getting someone else involved in their lives.
For exemple some people talk about their ex a lot or maybe they get triggered by small things you say and bring it back to unresolved issues in their lives, you notice you’re walking on egg shells around them or maybe you just see red flags about this person but you tell yourself that you’re in love and love conquers all.
This goes both ways. Maybe you just ended a relationship, you know deep down you need to heal and rediscover yourself but you ignore it. You are scared or you just hate feeling lonely, in fears of ending up alone. Or maybe you have unresolved issues that you know you need to let go off or take time to heal that weighs your mind and you end up constantly projecting those issues on to others.
Those are definitely not a healthy mindsets to have when entering into a relationship. It shows you need time to truly love yourself, understand yourself, explore and become the version of yourself that even you would want to be in a relationship with.
These are some of the questions that I think we need to ask ourselves when we want to get serious with someone.
⁃ Have they healing from past traumas or are they brushing it off while you see it has a huge impact on their life? Are they aware on how their trauma may be affecting them?
⁃ Do they need us to make them happy or were they already happy with themselves before they met me?
⁃ Have they moved on from their past relationship?
⁃ How about me, am I doing something about my traumas, am I healing, healed or am I just ignoring it?
⁃ Do I know what I need from myself and my partner to be?
– Do I know my boundaries and can I communicate my needs?
⁃ Have I healed from my past relationships?
⁃ Do I need someone else to make me happy or do I already love myself and know how to make myself happy?
– Am I ready for a commitment!
Sometimes we think another relationship is what we need to heal from the previous one. We rush into something new and exciting to forget and distract us from ourselves or our problems. But sooner or later it might all come crashing down.
Emotional intelligence is important, we need to understand our feelings, moods, wants and needs in order to communicate that with our partner who will then be able to help in a healthy way.
We can definitely help our partner through rough and difficult times. But we aren’t there to carry it all for them and vis-versa. We all need to do the work on ourselves. Being one with ourselves first, on our own, for ourselves before even considering getting involved with someone else.
Involving a person in our messy lives is selfish as it can leave them hurt and broken in unforgiving ways. This kind of unhealthy relationship can scare everyone in it for a long time and that’s not fair. Sometimes we don’t realise what impact of a break up can have when we take a relationship lightly or enter it half heartedly.
I know we are all a work in progress and we make mistakes. The most important thing is to learn from them, heal and become better every time. There is no formula for a fail proof relationship, people change and circumstances also. The most important thing I’ve learned this year is to make sure you listen to your needs and wants and not to take them for granted or ignore them as they will keep resurfacing until you do. Take time to rediscover yourself after each relationship. Be honest with yourself and the person that you are dating from the first day, even if you think it will upset them, better now than later. Share with them your needs and boundaries from day one to avoid a lot of trouble in the long run. Most importantly know what those are for you, because you can’t share something that you don’t know.
J x
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